I don’t remember how many I’ve prayed asking God to take my grief away yet no change,until God showed He already healed me but my grief had become a habit/my comfort zone. What how so? Isn’t it what you do, be sad on Mother’s Day if you don’t have a mother. Aren’t you supposed to replay in your mind what you don’t have, after all everyone around you is celebrating their mom? Aren’t you supposed to cry every Mother’s Day? Aren’t supposed to automatically feel down? Aren’t you supposed to let your feelings take over? Aren’t you supposed to intentionally think and reflect on your lost? I remember I would catch myself smiling, laughing and having a good time, and I would instantly tell myself you are not supposed to be happy remember you don’t have a mom. But says who? It’s like I was programmed to be sad.
I am not dismissing anyone profound sadness, nights of crying yourself to sleep, feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, deep loneliness, or feeling emotionally unstable, because I had all of them multiple times at some point and they were genuine. I lost both of my parents within 6 months so trust me I am more than familiar with these feelings. But I do believe that grief can eventually turn into something else. Are you using grief as a crutch? Is it really grief or a comfort zone? Is it an excuse? Is it a chronic way of being/reacting/responding you’ve adapted to because of a lost? My grief had become my comfort zone when I realized that I could turn it on and off. I would through myself pity parties. Unconsciously I wanted people to feel bad for me because after all I didn’t have a mom or a dad. I’ve used my grief as my weapon of manipulation. I’ve used it to rationalize certain behaviors. I’ve used it to win agreement. I’ve used it to blow things out of proportion. I’ve even try to use it against God. Funny thing it was easy because most people automatically feel bad for you, when they know you’ve had lost. They don’t see hope and happiness, they see lost and sadness. All the things I didn’t want.
After a while, my grief was driven by what was expected of me as someone who didn’t have a mom. No one would never dare question my grief, society says it’s justified , statistics say it’s normal but I gave it up. It’s weird when I say to people Mother’s Day no longer bothers me, some think I am suppressing my feelings but I am not, you can be freed from grief.
Grief cannot be measured, cannot be compared. Grief is a process, everyone grieves differently and it takes time but I am a living testimony that you don’t have to grieve for the rest of your life. It really does get better. Yes, I miss my mom but God healed my broken heart so missing her no longer take me to my knees. I can honestly say I no longer get sad on Mother’s Day, birthdays you name it, because God healed me completely.

About my look: This trench jacket is perfect for spring. It’s very light weight perfect for spring. I paired it with black jeans and white T, you never go wrong with this universal uniform.

Trench jacket: Who what wear 

Jeans: Fashion Nova

Booties: Famous footwear